Lessons Parents Teach Us That Relate to End of Life
There are many lessons that parents try to instill in their children – some of which extend far beyond childhood. We’ve found that the following lessons apply to end-of-life and estate administration:
Lesson 1: Clean up after yourself
If you have children, you know the battle of keeping the house clean, between the laundry, toys, and shoes. As we age, this mess looks more like vehicles, jewelry, IRA’s, CD’s, properties, pets, and furniture. In addition, we now have social media, email accounts, banking accounts, cryptocurrency – the list goes on. These items and assets are much more difficult to clean up; however, it is important that you don’t leave a mess for those you leave behind.
A Power of Attorney allows for someone to take care of these items while you are still alive but cannot manage them yourself. A Will or Trust provides clear instructions for how you want your assets distributed, and who you want to do so. Additionally, these documents can provide instructions for more difficult situations, such as leaving behind minor children, or adult child with disabilities. It is also important that you make sure that your beneficiary designations match your intentions.
We often have clients come to us for estate planning after going through the estate process with their families. All too often we hear “we want to make sure that we don’t leave a mess for our kids like our parents left us.” Sometimes the last lesson that your parents teach you is to make sure that you have your own affairs in order.
Lesson 2: Listen to your parents.
More often than not, this lesson manifests in a failure to respect a parent’s known wishes. For example, a parent that has a religious belief that governs their end-of-life decisions that was not reduced to writing. Some of the children are adamant of what that parent wanted, while the other children do not remember the parent saying that, or do not believe themselves that their parent would want it in that specific situation. The best way to prevent this strife is to clearly communicate your wishes in writing. The last thing needed when dealing with the impending death of a loved one is trying to figure out what they would have wanted.
Lesson 3: Try Not to Fight with Your Siblings
This is one that we know sometimes simply cannot be avoided. However, it is ideal when there is no fighting between siblings. Sometimes, the only way to prevent this is for the parties to have their own counsel – this allows for the attorneys to untangle the legal issues and allows the siblings some separation. In this field, we also understand that family members are grieving a loss, and sometimes that grief gets misdirected. In our opinion, it’s better that this be misdirected at the attorney rather than at a sibling.
Lesson 4: Our choices have consequences
Some of the worst issues that we see stem from failing to choose appropriate representatives. It cannot be overstated how important it is to choose the proper people to act as your attorney-in-fact, personal representative, and agent for your Disposition. An attorney-in-fact must be someone that you can trust to make decisions that you would make for yourself – even if those decisions were not what they would choose for themselves. For your Personal Representative or Trustee, it is imperative that you choose someone who follows your directions and is not self-interested. More so, if there is significant family contention, it is important that you either consider appointing a neutral third party, or make sure that you trust who you are appointing. Sadly, we often see siblings use their position to steal money, use their parent’s assets for their own benefit, or to get back at a sibling.
Regardless of whether your parents taught you these lessons or not, unfortunately, these are all things that we must deal with at some point following the loss of a parent. Having these matters handled while you are still alive not only brings you relief, but it also brings your family relief.
